Into The Wild

I’ll keep this short and sweet.

So, I just watched Into The Wild.

So, I cried like the kid I thought I no longer was.

So, the whole world is scared like shit about tomorrow.

So, tomorrow will be the big day, supposedly, dawn of a brand new era never before seen or end of the world, total and complete, as we know it.

So, I’ve led a wonderful life.

So, I had the best childhood ever back in China.

So, I flew to Singapore, with bright hopes.

So, I grew up here.

So, I learnt that life is full of lies.

So, I learnt that some things are fairytales.

So, I had a sad realization that the one thing that I’ve always wanted, most of all, will never be mine.

So, I grew up like everyone else.

So, I built a fortress around myself.

So, I had my moment of rapture when I first saw this smile.

So, I figured things out, little by little, exploring, on my own.

So, I love to go out.

So, I love my friends, my life.

So, I AM a bright and hopeful kid who’s always positive, really.

So, I looked for ways to make my life meaningful.

So, I searched for the core of my existence.

So, I grew passionate about Economics and Philosophy.

So, I want nothing but the Truth.

So, I spilled everything.

So, I decided to let go for once.

So, I tore down my defenses and risked it – All or nothing.

So, I did everything that I could.

So, I still wish I could have done more.

So, I AM a bright and STILL hopeful, and aspiring Intellectual in the making, really.

So, I do dream of being an Investment Banker in New York City too, just fly the world over with an angel.

So, I could use my money to buy these ancient cottages with naught from urbanization, but plenty of history and romance in Shangri-la, in Cotswolds, run them, manage them like my bit of paradise here on Earth, a resting place of serenity for our souls to find peace.

So, I could farm on those golden meadows that belonged to my grandparents, make harvest, chase after the swallows in the fields, like I did when I was young.

So, I could have a career in the banking and finance industry.

So, I could go on to become an Economist and then be crowned an Intellectual from there.

So, I gave my all.

So, I held on when no one else would.

So, I was so patient, despite myself.

So, I forgot about my anger, my cynicism, my worries, I forgot about the world entire, remembering only happiness and completion, when I was next to where I want to be, most of all.

So, I learnt once again, that you can never run away from the real world – That life is full of lies.

So, I could see it coming all along.

So, I just wanted to live in my perfect world, my peace center, a little longer, until it would be forever.

So, I just don’t buy any of the shit that I’ve been told.

So, I am aware that I am nothing but stardust, I am nothing, nothing at all.

So, I still don’t get why people shit each other so often.

So, I am right back where I started, just infinitely smarter and wiser.

So, I have been through enough to know that I do have a good, wonderful, amazing life to live, no matter what.

So, I look at people who let themselves be trapped in unhappy circumstances, driven by fear, motivated by uncertainty, not daring to be themselves, not courageous enough to go against the world, to live their dreams, to be far and away from the mundane, to lack self-knowledge, and then I realized we belong to different solar systems.

So, I just thought that if I worked hard enough, I can bridge this impossible gap.

So, I just thought that if we make that leap of faith, everything will come together and be perfect.

So, I have led a wonderful life, I love my life, my family, my friends.

So, I could be an Investment Banker, an Economist, a World Intellectual. I could start my own little family. I could live like everyone else.

So, life is full of lies.

So, it’s my fault that I was so naive. Dumb. Stupid.

Maybe only time will tell who is REALLY dumber. I am sure of that.

So, I have been struck at the core of my existence, the reason of my being, twice. First by my very own flesh and blood. Second by someone I don’t even recognize anymore. All through faults of my own.

And I will go on strong.

Continue my search, my journey, my expedition. Go on MY adventure.

This life is MY game.

So, tomorrow will be the big day.

So, I will salute Christopher McCandless.

So, you don’t have half an idea, what soulmates are.

And I was wrong to stoop so low, to be deceived, through my own naivety and gullibility.

So, I have my perfect life ahead of me.

And pretty soon, MY ultimate adventure will happen.

“Two years he walks the earth. No phone, no pool, no pets, no cigarettes. Ultimate freedom. An extremist. An aesthetic voyager whose home is the road. Escaped from Atlanta. Thou shalt not return, ’cause ‘the west is the best.’ And now after two rambling years comes the final and greatest adventure. The climactic battle to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual revolution. 10 days and nights of freight trains and hitchhiking bring him to the great white north. No longer to be poisoned by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild.”

You couldn’t be more right when you said that you can’t find anyone like me, ever again.

Thank the Lord and may God bless all.

~ by God is a Girl on March 6, 2008.